Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Friday, September 2, 2011
Father's Hands
Born and bred in the deep South, uneducated and illiterate, my father learned about survival at a very young age. He learned how to use his hands to build and rebuild cars, engines, or anything mechanical that required grease and ball bearings. His heartbeat was in his hands. They were his identity, his whole being, his life force, all from the wrist down.
It was after my mother left us with Daddy that those hands became the same hands that fed my body, bathed my body, held, nurtured, and sometimes loved my body, but most of all, beat my body. Black and blue, until it collapsed.
He was six feet five inches tall and around four hundred pounds. A giant. My tiny hands disappeared inside the cupping of his snake-like fingers. At times he was a good father because his hands would be loving and quiet, and at other times bad because his hands would hurt and sting with each slap and stranglehold. I remember those times that he'd laugh so proud and call himself "grease monkey." I'd whisper out loud to myself, "belonging to the Devil most times."
I remember the squelching hot summers, being carried in his arms, legs bared and spread wide against his belly, his calluses rubbing rough against my thighs and hamstrings, his hands too wet, too rough, too hot, too close. The more I tried to pull away, the tighter his grip became. I always knew when his hands were about to change from good love to bad. It was usually once he felt me surrender my struggle for freedom and safety. "All right, Daddy," my body would say, "you win again."
My father has lived by his hands my whole life. He worked as a machinist at Duke University where many years ago he was selected to design and replace the ornate adornments attached to the front doors of the glorious Duke Chapel. Today, as those doors still stand, I am all the wiser. I now know what it means when all is quiet and still around me. I have found an inner peace. So peaceful that, recently, I heard my soul singing. Singing loud - praises of freedom and safety. Safety which made me smile because somewhere deep inside I finally knew that it is at those doors that some of the Devil ends and God begins.
Sharon Asheton
It was after my mother left us with Daddy that those hands became the same hands that fed my body, bathed my body, held, nurtured, and sometimes loved my body, but most of all, beat my body. Black and blue, until it collapsed.
He was six feet five inches tall and around four hundred pounds. A giant. My tiny hands disappeared inside the cupping of his snake-like fingers. At times he was a good father because his hands would be loving and quiet, and at other times bad because his hands would hurt and sting with each slap and stranglehold. I remember those times that he'd laugh so proud and call himself "grease monkey." I'd whisper out loud to myself, "belonging to the Devil most times."
I remember the squelching hot summers, being carried in his arms, legs bared and spread wide against his belly, his calluses rubbing rough against my thighs and hamstrings, his hands too wet, too rough, too hot, too close. The more I tried to pull away, the tighter his grip became. I always knew when his hands were about to change from good love to bad. It was usually once he felt me surrender my struggle for freedom and safety. "All right, Daddy," my body would say, "you win again."
My father has lived by his hands my whole life. He worked as a machinist at Duke University where many years ago he was selected to design and replace the ornate adornments attached to the front doors of the glorious Duke Chapel. Today, as those doors still stand, I am all the wiser. I now know what it means when all is quiet and still around me. I have found an inner peace. So peaceful that, recently, I heard my soul singing. Singing loud - praises of freedom and safety. Safety which made me smile because somewhere deep inside I finally knew that it is at those doors that some of the Devil ends and God begins.
Sharon Asheton
Thursday, September 1, 2011
"It's A Family Affair"
This is a big weekend for me. I am doing something that I haven't done since I was 7 years old. I am attending a family reunion.
My family of origin does not exist. For all of my adult life, I have spent holidays alone or with friends who would invite me over to take part in their family traditions. These years have been a humbling experience for me. I used to feel so sorry for myself. The 'oh, I am so alone, why don't I have a family?' used to really come up for me. Months preceding the holidays, I would feel it beginning to come in. After Halloween, the Christmas commercials would begin and I would begin to spiral downwards.
Today, it is all so different. I finally have a family to love and be loved by. Something that I never thought would ever happen in my life. My boyfriend, Dwayne, of one and half years has an amazing family. His parents have embraced me completely as part of their family. Both of his parents, Mom and Dad, are exceptional, spiritual human beings. Their love for others and for their community is overwhelming at times. How could two people be so incredible, I ask most days. They are the family I have always dreamt of having. They have been married for 53 years, and are still going strong. And, as I mentioned, this weekend is the family reunion for Mom's side of the family. Family I have yet to meet.
One thing that brings me so much joy is that she has asked me not only to be there for the registration on Friday evening, but also to be her 'go to gal' for other things. I am fully committed to her and this wonderful three day reunion that is planned. I was even honored by being asked to write something on family reunions and what they represent. I remember telling her that this would be something that I would write not from experience but from what I would imagine and fantasize that family means. I have my ideas, but not direct experience.
As I mentioned, my last family reunion was at the age of 7, in Georgia. I remember very little of it. Other than there were some 'scary' people there. You see, I don't come from a 'well bred background', I come from the 'other side of the tracks' where what you do has no consequence and living a life of doing the next right thing is an anomaly. Yes, I have come a long way. Having foster parents at the age of 16 really spared me from a life of repeating what I grew up surrounded by. The Hell's Angels were our neighbors, we lived in a trailer park where my step father said we should be proud because we had the biggest lot in the park. My step father was uneducated, illiterate. And lived in anger and like my mother, victimization. It was not an environment conducive to positivity, and celebration of life and all good things. We did not expand ourselves in the least. It was, indeed, a very limited, very depressing environment.
Flash forward to today, I have so much to celebrate. This family reunion fills me with joy, excitement, gratitude, and such a sense of inclusion and connectedness. I can only imagine the people I will meet. The sounds of laughter echoing all around us. The honoring of those with us and those who have passed on. Yes, I feel I am home. In every sense of the word. Dwayne's family is worlds away from what I have ever known. I am anticipating the opportunity to create new and beautiful memories with a family I hope I will always be a part of.
Yes, gratitude abounds. I am filled with excitement and tremendous joy. Today, life is more beautiful than I could have ever imagined for myself. And it is true, real, steadfast. There is so much love in our lives, I sometimes have to shake it out a bit and say, YES, this is real. Yes, I am finally a part of a family. And this family isn't going anywhere. Their love is here to stay. Something I have never known before.
My family of origin does not exist. For all of my adult life, I have spent holidays alone or with friends who would invite me over to take part in their family traditions. These years have been a humbling experience for me. I used to feel so sorry for myself. The 'oh, I am so alone, why don't I have a family?' used to really come up for me. Months preceding the holidays, I would feel it beginning to come in. After Halloween, the Christmas commercials would begin and I would begin to spiral downwards.
Today, it is all so different. I finally have a family to love and be loved by. Something that I never thought would ever happen in my life. My boyfriend, Dwayne, of one and half years has an amazing family. His parents have embraced me completely as part of their family. Both of his parents, Mom and Dad, are exceptional, spiritual human beings. Their love for others and for their community is overwhelming at times. How could two people be so incredible, I ask most days. They are the family I have always dreamt of having. They have been married for 53 years, and are still going strong. And, as I mentioned, this weekend is the family reunion for Mom's side of the family. Family I have yet to meet.
One thing that brings me so much joy is that she has asked me not only to be there for the registration on Friday evening, but also to be her 'go to gal' for other things. I am fully committed to her and this wonderful three day reunion that is planned. I was even honored by being asked to write something on family reunions and what they represent. I remember telling her that this would be something that I would write not from experience but from what I would imagine and fantasize that family means. I have my ideas, but not direct experience.
As I mentioned, my last family reunion was at the age of 7, in Georgia. I remember very little of it. Other than there were some 'scary' people there. You see, I don't come from a 'well bred background', I come from the 'other side of the tracks' where what you do has no consequence and living a life of doing the next right thing is an anomaly. Yes, I have come a long way. Having foster parents at the age of 16 really spared me from a life of repeating what I grew up surrounded by. The Hell's Angels were our neighbors, we lived in a trailer park where my step father said we should be proud because we had the biggest lot in the park. My step father was uneducated, illiterate. And lived in anger and like my mother, victimization. It was not an environment conducive to positivity, and celebration of life and all good things. We did not expand ourselves in the least. It was, indeed, a very limited, very depressing environment.
Flash forward to today, I have so much to celebrate. This family reunion fills me with joy, excitement, gratitude, and such a sense of inclusion and connectedness. I can only imagine the people I will meet. The sounds of laughter echoing all around us. The honoring of those with us and those who have passed on. Yes, I feel I am home. In every sense of the word. Dwayne's family is worlds away from what I have ever known. I am anticipating the opportunity to create new and beautiful memories with a family I hope I will always be a part of.
Yes, gratitude abounds. I am filled with excitement and tremendous joy. Today, life is more beautiful than I could have ever imagined for myself. And it is true, real, steadfast. There is so much love in our lives, I sometimes have to shake it out a bit and say, YES, this is real. Yes, I am finally a part of a family. And this family isn't going anywhere. Their love is here to stay. Something I have never known before.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
She Did The Best She Could WIth What She Had
Mom, she did the best she could with what she had at the time. I could hold resentments towards all of the pain, the emotional, physical, and mental abuse, but how could that serve me now in my life? I must move forward and let go of the victim mentality and recognize it as part of my path. Had I not gone through everything that I did as a child and young adult, I would not be the woman that I am today. And today, I love who I am.
All of the abuse, of which was extremely violent, has lead me to be a more compassionate soul. A woman who can empathize with other's pain and struggles. I know what it means to go through and get through the pain and move onto the other side. Without continuing the victim mentality. Certainly, it took years to get to this point. A lot of intensive therapy and spiritual growth. A lot of willingness to forgive. Surely there are days that I wish Mom were in my life. But, she is not a well woman. She has lived a life of pain, alcoholism, and victimization. Her path is her path. She, I believe, had lessons to learn in this lifetime and failed to address them.
My greatest fear for so long was that I would end up like her. Living in darkness, anger, regret, and being abusive. I chose the opposite. I wanted to address the pain. I wanted to grow through everything that had been done to me and everything I had done to myself through poor, misguided choices I made earlier in life. I had to get honest. I had to get honest to get hold of what it was I was going through. It was scary. It was difficult. It was painful. But, I knew that I had to go through the darkness to get to the light. I knew on a soul level that the light of all that IS was within, too. I was just shut off from it from all of the accumulated pain throughout all of my years of life.
Today, I am all the wiser. Tremendous healing has occurred for me. All through the grace of God. I believe in a power greater than myself. I know I'm not it. I had to release my fears into the light and know that I would survive this and get through to the other side.
Typically, I would go into detail on the things that happened to me as a child. I choose not to do that today. Eventually, however, I will. I feel it will allow healing to occur in someone else's life. But for today, I release all that is to the light of love, understanding, compassion, and healing. I believe in my path and each and every step I have taken. Again, it has made me the person that I am. And who I am, I believe, is a woman who wants to share with the world the impact that internal and external struggles can have on our lives. I want everyone to know that the light does exist for all of us. We no longer need to live as victims, but rather embrace each and everything that has happened in our lives and use them as opportunities for enlightenment. Let us all grow in peace, love, and understanding. This is what my greatest prayer for everyone is. I know. Oh, how I know, that it can be done. Just believe, be brave, be strong and resilient. All goodness is here for us all.
May you be in the light of LOVE today and always!
Sharon Asheton
All of the abuse, of which was extremely violent, has lead me to be a more compassionate soul. A woman who can empathize with other's pain and struggles. I know what it means to go through and get through the pain and move onto the other side. Without continuing the victim mentality. Certainly, it took years to get to this point. A lot of intensive therapy and spiritual growth. A lot of willingness to forgive. Surely there are days that I wish Mom were in my life. But, she is not a well woman. She has lived a life of pain, alcoholism, and victimization. Her path is her path. She, I believe, had lessons to learn in this lifetime and failed to address them.
My greatest fear for so long was that I would end up like her. Living in darkness, anger, regret, and being abusive. I chose the opposite. I wanted to address the pain. I wanted to grow through everything that had been done to me and everything I had done to myself through poor, misguided choices I made earlier in life. I had to get honest. I had to get honest to get hold of what it was I was going through. It was scary. It was difficult. It was painful. But, I knew that I had to go through the darkness to get to the light. I knew on a soul level that the light of all that IS was within, too. I was just shut off from it from all of the accumulated pain throughout all of my years of life.
Today, I am all the wiser. Tremendous healing has occurred for me. All through the grace of God. I believe in a power greater than myself. I know I'm not it. I had to release my fears into the light and know that I would survive this and get through to the other side.
Typically, I would go into detail on the things that happened to me as a child. I choose not to do that today. Eventually, however, I will. I feel it will allow healing to occur in someone else's life. But for today, I release all that is to the light of love, understanding, compassion, and healing. I believe in my path and each and every step I have taken. Again, it has made me the person that I am. And who I am, I believe, is a woman who wants to share with the world the impact that internal and external struggles can have on our lives. I want everyone to know that the light does exist for all of us. We no longer need to live as victims, but rather embrace each and everything that has happened in our lives and use them as opportunities for enlightenment. Let us all grow in peace, love, and understanding. This is what my greatest prayer for everyone is. I know. Oh, how I know, that it can be done. Just believe, be brave, be strong and resilient. All goodness is here for us all.
May you be in the light of LOVE today and always!
Sharon Asheton
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Being In The Earth School of Spiritual Enlightenment
Psalm 118: 24 This is the day the Lord hath made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.
I love this psalm. I often think of it when I awake in the mornings. It sets my soul right. Although I define myself as being eclectic in my religious beliefs, a little of this and a little of that, this psalm seems to right size me as I begin my day.
I try to live from a place of love. Love of life and of all that IS. This seems to work for me. I receive much consoling from Christianity, Buddhism, and many other religions, as well. As long as I live in the light of all that IS, I know I am doing the right thing as I continue to grow spiritually.
Growing spiritually is what life is all about for me. I examine my motives, my desires, my ways of being. Always wanting to do the right thing. I believe that the lessons I fail to learn in this life time are sure to be repeated in the next until I incorporate the spiritual lesson in all of my being. I do believe in reincarnation. I believe we live our life times in order to continue to grow spiritually until we no longer need to reincarnate. We will then be ONE with the light of all that is, no longer needing the physical body, what Gary Zukov refers to as the 'earth school'. This works for me. I believe it with every fiber of my being. It is a place of all knowing that resonates within me. When I came to this awareness in my twenties, it was like, "AHA! This makes perfect sense to me." I then went on to study the many translations of the Bible and discovered that reincarnation used to be a part of it. It was during it's many translations that it was left out, for fear that people would not follow the precepts of the commandments if they felt they could just 'come back' and do it all over again.
I have had many times in my life when I feel so connected to someone. Often times, someone whom I hardly know. It's as if all of the deja vu moments flood in at once. These are moments, for me, of being in the presence of someone I knew in a previous life time. I have also had moments of memories of past lives. One, being in Greece, dancing in a family circle, a celebration of sorts, I am in my thirties, I have olive skin, black hair, and I am full of love. A beautiful memory, indeed. Another time, I was receiving body work from an energy worker and I had a flashback of living in the plains in the 1800's. I was tanned, with dusty blond hair, I had three children, one girl and two boys, and my husband was missing. We waited collectively in the field when we saw him approaching. It was a beautiful memory. We loved and celebrated one another. It was so real, I was so connected to it, and I broke out in tears of gratitude during the body work. I was told that certain emotions may come up for me when working with an energy healer. But, I was not expecting this at all. I will never forget this memory. And, for me, I know it was real, ever true. A definite experience of my past life.
Whether you believe in past lives or not, it is still our responsibility to live with spiritual integrity every day of our lives. To keep a clean slate, so to speak. To do not harm, to treat others with love, dignity, respect. This of course holds true not just in those we know and love, but also those who we don't. The strangers we meet everyday. Meet them with love. With honor. Be grateful for the brief soul connection that you have with another. It's all part of the bigger picture, the spiritual road map we have for ourselves. To grow and develop more spiritually. To go deeper. To honor the contract that we came into this life with. By this I mean, again, this is my belief, we all come into each lifetime with lessons to be learned. It is all planned before we even take our first breath. All of our interactions with others, all of our experiences, they are all planned. It is up to us to be spiritually in tuned enough to take 'the high road', to again, do the next right thing. This brings us closer to spiritual enlightenment. And, this, my friends, is what life is all about. Living in such a way that spiritual enlightenment is more and more closely attained so again, we will no longer need to reincarnate into a physical body. We will instead, be one with the LIGHT, the light we are from that connects us all. For me, this makes perfect and complete sense. It doesn't however, give me an 'out' on learning and then repeating the wrong way of being, it means instead that I take great heed to what needs to be done in front of me on a day to day basic. Making all decisions based on love, light, and of causing no harm. I have to be accountable for all my thoughts, my actions, and my soul response to any given situation, and when I make a mistake, I learn, and apply the next right action the next time the situation arises. So far I am learning and growing spiritually. I know this to be true by comparing how I used to live my life to how I live my life now.
In the past it was all about me. Acting and reacting, without any forethought to anything. Consequences of my actions were of no importance to me. I was so caught up in being human. What I could get, have, what would satisfy my in the very moment. That was my raison d'etre. And, I was very unfulfilled. Very unhappy and dis-satisfied with life. I lived in the role of the victim, yet it was all ME, ME, ME. A shift occurred. Spiritual people began to emerge into my life. I became open to receive goodness, selflessness, and wanted to help as many people as I could. Changes occurred sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly, but I knew on a soul level that I was changing. I was like a sponge. Wanting to expand as much as I possibility could. I knew there was more to life, and I wasn't it. It was a slow and deliberate process, but it did happen. This brings me full circle to who I am today. I am more soul connected than human connected. I embrace being part of this earth school. I embrace the opportunities for spiritual growth on a daily basis. It's all about growing for me. Even the day to day occurrences which arise in my life, I know there is a spiritual lesson in it for me somewhere, as long as I keep my ego out of it and allow God to work in my life. I know truly, that all will be revealed. In God's time and not mine.
So for today, this is the day the Lord hath made. And I shall rejoice and be glad in it. Seeking and being in a place of acceptance of whatever comes to me. I shall look for the spiritual lesson in everything, for I firmly believe there always is one, if not many.
May you find, seek, feel, experience spiritual lessons in your day today. It's all about growing and maturing spiritually and this is my greatest prayer for you! Let us all do the next right thing. Just listen to your soul, for it knows the answer to any question. Respond to it in love, light, and belief. All is as it should be. Embrace it.
All my love, Sharon Asheton
I love this psalm. I often think of it when I awake in the mornings. It sets my soul right. Although I define myself as being eclectic in my religious beliefs, a little of this and a little of that, this psalm seems to right size me as I begin my day.
I try to live from a place of love. Love of life and of all that IS. This seems to work for me. I receive much consoling from Christianity, Buddhism, and many other religions, as well. As long as I live in the light of all that IS, I know I am doing the right thing as I continue to grow spiritually.
Growing spiritually is what life is all about for me. I examine my motives, my desires, my ways of being. Always wanting to do the right thing. I believe that the lessons I fail to learn in this life time are sure to be repeated in the next until I incorporate the spiritual lesson in all of my being. I do believe in reincarnation. I believe we live our life times in order to continue to grow spiritually until we no longer need to reincarnate. We will then be ONE with the light of all that is, no longer needing the physical body, what Gary Zukov refers to as the 'earth school'. This works for me. I believe it with every fiber of my being. It is a place of all knowing that resonates within me. When I came to this awareness in my twenties, it was like, "AHA! This makes perfect sense to me." I then went on to study the many translations of the Bible and discovered that reincarnation used to be a part of it. It was during it's many translations that it was left out, for fear that people would not follow the precepts of the commandments if they felt they could just 'come back' and do it all over again.
I have had many times in my life when I feel so connected to someone. Often times, someone whom I hardly know. It's as if all of the deja vu moments flood in at once. These are moments, for me, of being in the presence of someone I knew in a previous life time. I have also had moments of memories of past lives. One, being in Greece, dancing in a family circle, a celebration of sorts, I am in my thirties, I have olive skin, black hair, and I am full of love. A beautiful memory, indeed. Another time, I was receiving body work from an energy worker and I had a flashback of living in the plains in the 1800's. I was tanned, with dusty blond hair, I had three children, one girl and two boys, and my husband was missing. We waited collectively in the field when we saw him approaching. It was a beautiful memory. We loved and celebrated one another. It was so real, I was so connected to it, and I broke out in tears of gratitude during the body work. I was told that certain emotions may come up for me when working with an energy healer. But, I was not expecting this at all. I will never forget this memory. And, for me, I know it was real, ever true. A definite experience of my past life.
Whether you believe in past lives or not, it is still our responsibility to live with spiritual integrity every day of our lives. To keep a clean slate, so to speak. To do not harm, to treat others with love, dignity, respect. This of course holds true not just in those we know and love, but also those who we don't. The strangers we meet everyday. Meet them with love. With honor. Be grateful for the brief soul connection that you have with another. It's all part of the bigger picture, the spiritual road map we have for ourselves. To grow and develop more spiritually. To go deeper. To honor the contract that we came into this life with. By this I mean, again, this is my belief, we all come into each lifetime with lessons to be learned. It is all planned before we even take our first breath. All of our interactions with others, all of our experiences, they are all planned. It is up to us to be spiritually in tuned enough to take 'the high road', to again, do the next right thing. This brings us closer to spiritual enlightenment. And, this, my friends, is what life is all about. Living in such a way that spiritual enlightenment is more and more closely attained so again, we will no longer need to reincarnate into a physical body. We will instead, be one with the LIGHT, the light we are from that connects us all. For me, this makes perfect and complete sense. It doesn't however, give me an 'out' on learning and then repeating the wrong way of being, it means instead that I take great heed to what needs to be done in front of me on a day to day basic. Making all decisions based on love, light, and of causing no harm. I have to be accountable for all my thoughts, my actions, and my soul response to any given situation, and when I make a mistake, I learn, and apply the next right action the next time the situation arises. So far I am learning and growing spiritually. I know this to be true by comparing how I used to live my life to how I live my life now.
In the past it was all about me. Acting and reacting, without any forethought to anything. Consequences of my actions were of no importance to me. I was so caught up in being human. What I could get, have, what would satisfy my in the very moment. That was my raison d'etre. And, I was very unfulfilled. Very unhappy and dis-satisfied with life. I lived in the role of the victim, yet it was all ME, ME, ME. A shift occurred. Spiritual people began to emerge into my life. I became open to receive goodness, selflessness, and wanted to help as many people as I could. Changes occurred sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly, but I knew on a soul level that I was changing. I was like a sponge. Wanting to expand as much as I possibility could. I knew there was more to life, and I wasn't it. It was a slow and deliberate process, but it did happen. This brings me full circle to who I am today. I am more soul connected than human connected. I embrace being part of this earth school. I embrace the opportunities for spiritual growth on a daily basis. It's all about growing for me. Even the day to day occurrences which arise in my life, I know there is a spiritual lesson in it for me somewhere, as long as I keep my ego out of it and allow God to work in my life. I know truly, that all will be revealed. In God's time and not mine.
So for today, this is the day the Lord hath made. And I shall rejoice and be glad in it. Seeking and being in a place of acceptance of whatever comes to me. I shall look for the spiritual lesson in everything, for I firmly believe there always is one, if not many.
May you find, seek, feel, experience spiritual lessons in your day today. It's all about growing and maturing spiritually and this is my greatest prayer for you! Let us all do the next right thing. Just listen to your soul, for it knows the answer to any question. Respond to it in love, light, and belief. All is as it should be. Embrace it.
All my love, Sharon Asheton
Monday, August 29, 2011
Anxiety to Clarity to Lesson Learned
I just brought myself out of a nice, long, hot bath, full of dead sea salt. I have been told that sea salt balances your energy. And my energy needed balancing. Immediately.
Just last week I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Anxiety for me has been coming on stronger and stronger within the past 8 or so months. Even more so, the past 3. I work diligently on my spirituality and my meditation, however unfortunately, now I need medication to get me through these bouts of anxiety. Getting hold of what is the root of it is my ultimate goal. I do not want to take medication at all.
What I ask is the spiritual lesson, the spiritual gift in this condition?
Maybe more faith, less thinking. Too much thinking can cause great discomfort for me at times. I know that I have been going through many changes within the past few months. The most obvious is the moving in with my significant other of one and a half years. Children. They, as I have made reference to in previous posts, are a part of my life now. I can't imagine loving two amazing boys more than I do these two. But, what a shift in my life. 46, never married, and without children. That is my history. There have been situations in the past when I co-habitated with lovers, but never anything like this. This, I imagine, is the closest I have ever been to being married. At least it feels this way. So, in comes the anxiety. Am I doing enough, and why aren't I doing more? This anxiety can get it's grip on me and I do feel immobilized at times. I want to be perfect for them. How unreasonable is this? There is no perfect. I know this. But I so want to be a positive, consistently available and loving presence in their lives. I want them to know they can always depend on me. This brings me to the human side. I am fallible. Human, I make mistakes, I can't do it all, and sometimes with anxiety, I can't do anything. So here I am trying to find balance without beating myself up. Allowing what needs to happen, happen, in the natural flow of things, without forcing them.
I cried this morning before my bath. I felt stuck. My best friend texted me and said, "Cry, let it out, it's what you need and SOAK, relax, do this for yourself."....I did exactly this. And between heeding this advice and the sea salt soak, I now feel incredibly balanced again. I did let it out, the anxiety turned to tears, to sobs, to drowning the tears in a bath of gentle, warm water. I feel so much better. This is why I am able to write now. Before all of this, I was so blocked. Nothing could come out of me or through me. Amen. Amen for the miracles of taking action even when I don't feel like it. It was, after all, all I could do to run the water. Now, what a shift.
So, a spiritual lesson...anxiety will not kill me, it is not my forever. Having faith to force myself into a different situation, i.e. drawing a bath, can work even the smallest miracle in my life. I do feel like I can take care of things which need to be done today. My energy is clearer, more balanced. I feel spiritually safe and sound. For this I am grateful.
Now, on to living. Free from the gnawing panic, free to express myself and feel beautiful while doing it. Taking the next right action, yes, this is what it's about. Bath or no bath, the lesson was well learned.
Be blessed in every way,
Sharon Asheton
Just last week I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Anxiety for me has been coming on stronger and stronger within the past 8 or so months. Even more so, the past 3. I work diligently on my spirituality and my meditation, however unfortunately, now I need medication to get me through these bouts of anxiety. Getting hold of what is the root of it is my ultimate goal. I do not want to take medication at all.
What I ask is the spiritual lesson, the spiritual gift in this condition?
Maybe more faith, less thinking. Too much thinking can cause great discomfort for me at times. I know that I have been going through many changes within the past few months. The most obvious is the moving in with my significant other of one and a half years. Children. They, as I have made reference to in previous posts, are a part of my life now. I can't imagine loving two amazing boys more than I do these two. But, what a shift in my life. 46, never married, and without children. That is my history. There have been situations in the past when I co-habitated with lovers, but never anything like this. This, I imagine, is the closest I have ever been to being married. At least it feels this way. So, in comes the anxiety. Am I doing enough, and why aren't I doing more? This anxiety can get it's grip on me and I do feel immobilized at times. I want to be perfect for them. How unreasonable is this? There is no perfect. I know this. But I so want to be a positive, consistently available and loving presence in their lives. I want them to know they can always depend on me. This brings me to the human side. I am fallible. Human, I make mistakes, I can't do it all, and sometimes with anxiety, I can't do anything. So here I am trying to find balance without beating myself up. Allowing what needs to happen, happen, in the natural flow of things, without forcing them.
I cried this morning before my bath. I felt stuck. My best friend texted me and said, "Cry, let it out, it's what you need and SOAK, relax, do this for yourself."....I did exactly this. And between heeding this advice and the sea salt soak, I now feel incredibly balanced again. I did let it out, the anxiety turned to tears, to sobs, to drowning the tears in a bath of gentle, warm water. I feel so much better. This is why I am able to write now. Before all of this, I was so blocked. Nothing could come out of me or through me. Amen. Amen for the miracles of taking action even when I don't feel like it. It was, after all, all I could do to run the water. Now, what a shift.
So, a spiritual lesson...anxiety will not kill me, it is not my forever. Having faith to force myself into a different situation, i.e. drawing a bath, can work even the smallest miracle in my life. I do feel like I can take care of things which need to be done today. My energy is clearer, more balanced. I feel spiritually safe and sound. For this I am grateful.
Now, on to living. Free from the gnawing panic, free to express myself and feel beautiful while doing it. Taking the next right action, yes, this is what it's about. Bath or no bath, the lesson was well learned.
Be blessed in every way,
Sharon Asheton
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